This Saturday morning, l woke up at 6:00; l still can’t believe that l actually wake up that easily on a Saturday morning. Of course there is a reason for everything; today I’m going to continue my apartment hunt; as a international student who lives in a homestay, I must move by the end of this month.
“Well, l better start looking for places if l don’t want end up living on the street.”
I told myself that 2 months ago.
After going through 40 emails a day all of last week and countless replying and forwarding, l was “lucky” to find 3 apartments that l would look at this week. You heard it, 3 out of 120 emails actually landed safely; this is just absolutely Christmas.
So this morning I’m heading to Vancouver, to see my second target for this week. The first one didn’t go the way l expected; long story short, it’s a basement that’s right next to a fast food garbage dump; the basement doesn’t have any windows, but that won’t make any difference, because all l would be staring at is fly-infested garbage.
By the time l pause my thoughts, I’m already on the sky train to Vancouver. I lean my head on the train window, staring at the morning view of Surrey, New Westminster and then Burnaby.
I un-pause my mind and starting picturing my life after high school. l find this feeling funny and strange, because it’s exactly how l felt when l was on the way to Canada one year ago. A feeling mixed with confusion, excitement and little bit of terror. I never noticed how l went through those strange feelings a year ago, but l know l am in the same position as l was. I’m reaching a point where life will never be the same, a point of no return, the moment that l realize once l have done this, my life will heading in a completely different direction. It’s quite terrifying because for most of the time, l have no clue what’s waiting for me in the future; l could try to imagine , but l feel like I’m still in a heavy fog; I might see a few shapes and general lines, but l can never see them clearly. My life in front of me remains undecided, because l have become undecided again.
There is only one week of school left. Finally, the days of school can be counted on my fingers. A million hours, minutes and seconds will soon reach the end. I feel the weight of school ending is pressuring my brain every day; sometimes when l thinking about the end of high school, l found it is hard to breathe. It’s one of the most ironic things in the world. Because my attitude was nothing like this sobbing kid who is scared of graduating from high school. I had it all planned out; l was so looking forward to my life after high school, going to university in North Vancouver, starting to live by myself, exploring a new place, and, most importantly, finding a new me who l never knew before. I was so ready for this ! I was so ready that l couldn’t even wait for high school to be over, l wanted move on right now, to a new life. But that was before l started looking for my apartment, before I realized that my idea could actually happen.
When l realized my vision is slowly become reality, l got scared because l fear my reality will become an abomination of my visions.
Now that I have arrived at my future apartment, I’m happy because it looks pretty neat, my room is on the third floor, one window, with a view of downtown Vancouver; 30 minutes by bus to my university and 20 minutes to downtown. I’m also scared because this means soon I’ll be saying goodbye to my life in Brookswood. At that moment, l become myself a year ago again. A boy who was leaving his home for a new adventure and the unknown. I feel the same terror again, the feeling’s like looking back at my old elementary graduating picture: infinite terror.